A Therapist’s Perspective of the Netflix Show ‘Adolescence”

It was recently suggested that I discuss my perspective on Netflix’s new hit show “Adolescence.” It’s only four episodes long so it is an easy binge and the gritty performances of the actors (Owen Cooper deserves an Emmy nomination) have made the show a sensation. Additionally, the show’s subject matter is really hitting home with both parents and young people alike.

The show does a great job highlighting how complex it is to be both be - and - to parent a young person today. My own child is only 24 years old but I can still confidently say that parenting a teenager now is vastly different than it was for me just a decade ago. A friend asked me which angle I would write about. My thoughts about the therapist in the show? The impact of social media on young people? The parents' roles?

Let’s start with the issue of social media. There is no dispute on how damaging social media is to a young person’s self-esteem, however, it’s just as damaging to try to eliminate social media from their lives. The reality is that social media apps are the main tool teens use to communicate with peers. Kids who try to abstain from social media either by their own choice or their parent's influence often end up isolated from peers, struggling to find a social group. It is also almost impossible to monitor all the different ways teens can connect. There are public profiles and private profiles; there are stories and there are DMs. The bottom line is that teens can and will always find a way to connect. I once worked with a teen who used the chat function in Scrabble to contact someone their parents didn’t approve of. Technology changes so rapidly and teens are almost always more tech savvy than their parents. The simple truth is parents must create an environment where their kids can talk openly about their lives…something that everyone agrees about on principle but is actually very hard to do in practice. 

The therapist in the third episode does a great job 90% of the episode. Unfortunately, in the last 10%, she does something so egregious that she should lose her license. It can be hard to create therapeutic rapport with non-compliant clients. The therapist does a great job of building credibility with Jamie by establishing competence, compassion, and even empathy. She is honest and does a good job of not reacting to his outbursts. However, nothing is more damaging than getting someone to trust you and be completely vulnerable, and then saying, “OK this is the last time we will be meeting.” Although she did say she was there to evaluate him it was clear that he believed she was there to help him. She knew he was attaching to her so she should have had the decency to clarify upfront that their time was limited. 

I want to make it clear before going too deep down a hole that I do not think that Jamie’s parents were bad people. The parents did what many parents do - They just put things on autopilot. It’s the idea, “If I can’t see an issue I’m just going to assume there isn’t one.” Ignorance is definitely not bliss when it comes to parenting. Another huge mistake parents often make is trying to force their kids to have the same values as them. This creates an environment where kids feel they have to hide who they actually are to have the life they want. For example, you might want your kid to wait until marriage to have sex but if you have a kid who enjoys dating that isn’t very likely. The more rigid you try to make your rules the more the kid feels the need to rebel. That’s why I tell parents their children are going to follow your example, not your advice. You want your kids to know your values, to understand how you made the choices you did when you were their age, and then empower them to make the best choices they can.

Growth starts with awkward conversations, but your kids will never come to you about the difficult things they face in life if they believe being authentic is going to cause them to have negative consequences or to be shamed. Quality parenting never happens at the end of the bell curve. Being too strict is just as potentially damaging as being too lenient. Be honest with your kids about your own fears and failures. This is how we create an environment where discussing difficult topics is safe and normalized. Tell them stories from your own life about being rejected, friend drama, bullying, or any other experience you had that they can relate to. This is how we can keep our kids from going down the same path as Jamie. Imagine how valuable it would have been for him if he had been able to go to his parents and say, “I feel super unattractive. No one wants to date me. I’m going to be alone forever.” A kid whose parents expect them to be a priest/nun won’t be honest with their issues because there is no experience to show them they won't feel shamed by their parents.

Create a world where your kids WANT to talk to you. That’s the first step.